Easy Come But Not So Easy Go

People are a trip. And I'm not sure I like it anymore.

I used to not pay much attention to the ebb and flow of my relationships because I took for granted that they would always be around. However, in the past few years, I've really noticed how my relationships with people have changed and how people I once felt close to I now am losing respect for which saddens me. Maybe it's the preggo hormones that are making me more sensitive or maybe it's just that I'm tired of people thinking it's okay to treat others poorly, like they are disposable.

I understand that not all relationships come in to your life for life but I guess that I've been fortunate that most of the people whom I would call "good friends" have been friends for 15 years or more. Considering my age, that's something for which I am very proud. I might not see or talk with those people every day as we once did but that's the beauty of good friends... you pick up where you left off. Good friends take you on your good days AND your bad days.

A few years ago I met a person that I thought would become a life long friend. We became close quickly. We had a lot in common and our families traveled the same circles. We enjoyed hanging out together and were planning outings frequently. However, there was a noticeable difference, a turning point if you will, in our friendship after one bad evening on my part. While the details to the night aren't as important as the fact that, in a moment of frustration, I was critical of a particular situation involving this friend. Honestly, I shouldn't have mentioned it but I was frustrated and felt it was appropriate to say. However, I would have let go after getting it off my chest but it seemed that I passed a point of no return and it was the cause for the change. I have no confirmation of this unfortunately because this friend slowly began to ignore me instead of confront the issue and deal with it like I would expect a good friend to do. I don't know why I was surprised because I have watched it happen with this person's other friends but somehow I was shocked. I watched as my invites were turned away for one reason or another and then discovered I was blown off for the new flavor of the month, the new"BFF." Then I watched as invites to events we would have otherwise been at the top of the guest list for suddenly were only extended to our mutual friends. It hurt more than I thought it would and I often debated calling her out on it but felt that it would put undue stress on some mutual parties which I didn't feel was fair so I ignored it which proved to be challenging since we are both regulars on Facebook. 

I've watched similar situations unfold with friends and family members. It troubles me each time I see it. It is understood that relationships evolve and that not everyone is here to stay. Sometimes friendships aren't healthy or you are in them for the wrong reasons and you have to cut ties. My head understands that but then own up to that. Speak your peace and lay your cards on the table so there is no question of why things happened. It's the right thing to do even if it's hard to do because you might hurt someone's feelings. To be honest and not be a hypocrite, there are a few friendships that I have "cut loose" where I haven't explained to the other party my reasons for it because I didn't want to hurt their feelings even though they hurt mine--repeatedly in some cases. I'm working on speaking up and dealing with things when they happen to avoid this in the future but am hopefully that I won't have to do it too many more times because it is difficult every time.  

While this particular friendship has troubled me for some time I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that, unless this friend wants to address it, nothing will change and I need to let it go. I can't change people. I can only change how I deal with them. Tough to say but it's true. Letting go is probably one of the hardest things for me to do especially when there is a lack of closure. I've struggled with it since I was young. I can remember losing a "best friend" to another girl in 6th grade and how much it affected me. I always need to know why.  Over sensitive? Maybe. But in my book a good friend is like family and family is the most important thing.

Heaven on Earth

As I have shared, my son J. has hit the tantrum stage. It's been a very trying couple of weeks as we are learning to deal with this new behavior and I often wonder if we'll make it through. Today I know we will because this morning I was greeted by a familiar little boy. This little boy happily greeted me this morning when I came into his room. He grabbed his truck and blankie and lifted his arms to me waiting for his ride down stairs. He smiled and babbled all the way to the kitchen and while I grabbed his morning milk. Then, he snuggled on my lap for a half an hour! <3 It was heaven on Earth. To feel his warm body nestled into mine, smell the shampoo from last night's bath and listen to the joyful "truck" noises he was making up and down my arms was the best way to be spend the morning. I'm hoping for a repeat now that he's awake from his nap. Here's hoping for another few minutes in heaven.

Hello, My Name is No

When your first child is born you just can't wait for them to hit all those milestones... smile, sit up, babble, laugh, walk, etc. You are so giddy over your little miracle that the reality of what accompanies those milestones seems to escape you. I can say this ... you can run but you can't hide. No matter where you go it will find you. The tantrum, that is.

We've entered a new stage with the bambino. For awhile now, I've been in denial. I was hoping, dreaming, saying a hail Mary really, that it was just teething angst or another ear infection but alas I am sure now that I'm wrong. I'm sure because J.  was just given the all clear on the nagging ear infection and, while he has been teething since the day he was born, his discomfort has never manifested itself quite this way. You know... with kicking, screaming, throwing, hitting and pinching. Ah, yes, it seems the terrible twos are just lurking around the corner ready to sucker punch us into submission. I knew it was coming but can say that I'm really not prepared for this.

I've read my fair share of parenting books and articles. I understand that greeting your enraged child with a sea of calm, explaining and then ignoring their bad behavior is the way to go. Maybe even a time out but let me tell you that more often than not I'm finding myself gradually growing into a category 4 hurricane--totally annoyed and read to rain down with a punishment and am the one who is really in need of the time out. My reaction only frustrates me more because, logically, I know that he's only 16 months old and he doesn't know any better yet so my reaction is quite stupid. All I can say is that it's an emotional reaction not a logical one and I'm blaming it on the baby.  The one that's still in the womb. He's hijacked my immune system and is sucking up my energy like a Capri Sun which leaves me feeling like I'm running on empty at a time when it's best to be fueled for the long haul. Disciplining a headstrong toddler is an all day, every day event that requires mental and physical preparation much like training for a marathon. While I could use the preparation I just can't seem to muster the patience to tolerate it. I mean, let's be real, who feels like training when you feel like the Mrs. Stay Puft Marshmallow Man--huge and about to combust due to the wicked heat/humidity? Um, short answer, not me!

But I have to--for the sake of my little J. and his unborn brother. I do not want to be that mom. I need to tackle this stage like I would anything else--armed with information, a lot of rest and a good hiding spot. My hope is that I can survive the next few months and regain enough energy to deal with the year that follows. I know this is a stage and it, too, shall pass. I just prefer it to pass while I am still relatively sane, before J. thinks his name is "No!" and I've gone mad at the sound of hearing my own voice on repeat.

P.S. If anyone has good reading materials on taming the toddler, I'd love to hear your recommendations.

9/11/01: Ten Years Later

Ten years ago today I was just outside Camp Pendleton in my Oceanside apartment awaiting news on when I could pick up my then-boyfriend from his float overseas. It had been months and I was excited to see him. I was picking out the perfect outfit for his return when my phone rang. I jumped with anticipation but soon realized it wasn't the call I was expecting to get. I know that I wasn't the only one who received a call they weren't expecting to get that day as soon as my friend Lou told me a plane flown by terrorists hit the World Trade Center and it was collapsing. I was stunned when my all my TV would show me were these horrific images. I simply couldn't believe my eyes. I cried like I have never cried before. 

I still cry. I'll cry every time I see it. It is a memory I could never erase even if I tried. The heartbreaking stories are seared into my mind. It's probably the reason why I have avoided the news this week. Now, ten years later, I'm married to a fireman and have children. It is as real today as it was ten years ago but it hits home more deeply than ever and I think my heart breaks more now. I can't bear to think of those poor babies who were robbed the opportunity to know their daddies--it just tears me up inside and scares me due to my husband's line of work. I can't bear to think of those firemen running up those stairs trying to save whomever they could when I'm sure they wanted to run out of there just as bad. We joke about how firemen sit around the station all day, cooking and playing cards but when the bell rings it's a whole different story--ask the friends and families of the 343 NY firemen who died.  I can't bear to think of the 2,977 people who died and what their families had to go through. I can't bear to think of those who are STILL fighting for our freedom both on the home front and overseas. It brings me to tears just thinking about it.

So, well, I will not be watching a full day of coverage today I will be doing what those people will never get the chance to do ... hugging my kids, spending time with my family, feeling my unborn son move and thanking God that I'm here to do that. I'll also be thanking him for the police, fire, EMTs, and military service men and women who give unselfishly their time and lives to protect us--truly no greater sacrifice could be made.  

And I promise that I will NEVER forget.

10 Things I Love About My Dorky Husband

This is for you babe.

Since I've started blogging my hubs seems to be under the impression that all I do is complain about him online to people around the world. Obviously, he's not a reader or he'd know the truth but I won't hold that against him. But as I teased him about his obvious misconception of what I'm doing here I thought that maybe he deserved a blog. Just for him. Just about him.

After having been "off the market" for four years and suddenly back in dating world that seemed so incredibly foreign to me, I was sceptical that I would ever meet someone that was "perfect" for me. I had been through a tough cross country break up and a series of poorly matched clingy pseudo relationships that had soured my view on dating. Meeting the right guy felt impossible. I wasn't a bar hopper anymore and the options of men at work were at the time, dismal, to say the least.  So I ventured into the world of online dating which I found to be much like being a contestant on that old game show "Press Your Luck." As I pulled up my matches I was secretly hoping for "no whammies." When I came across C.'s Match.com profile, he was cute but not in a boyish sorta way. He looked like he could handle himself and was confident so I decided to check his credentials. He was divorced (twice, I would learn later) with kids. Double whammy. (Or triple if you count the second divorce.) Damn! Only one whammy away from disqualification.

I will admit that I don't know what came over me because prior to this point in my life those two items would have been immediate deal breakers but I suppose that what had been my qualifications before weren't working out so well so I guess maybe I felt that I needed to try something new--take a chance. There was something about him and he was awfully cute. Maybe it was that he liked baseball which is something I've always enjoyed but never seemed to share with previous beaus. So I send a flirty email saying that as long as he doesn't like the Yankees we are good. WHAMMY NUMBER FOUR! He's a life long Yankee fan. This should have been grounds for disqualification BUT I continued to press my luck, as they say. And it's a good thing I did because come to find out--the guy whom I thought would be my worst possible match ended up being a perfect fit.

He's the love of my life. He's everything and everybody to me. He wears so many hats that he's taken on new pet identities for all of them that he only shares with me. So, for my hubs, here are 10 reasons why I love you. They are not the only reasons I love you but some of my favorites.

10. You not only watch chick flicks with me but you actually enjoy them and have been known to call me on the phone to tell me when your favorite ("How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days") is on so we can watch it together.
9. You sing wildly off key and with the wrong words to any eighties tune you hear on the radio.
8.  You think you are going to get toned out at home and therefor must leave the van door open so you can get to your call on time. :-)
7. You still try to woo me even after six and half years of being together.
6. You cook and clean! (God love you for this one!)
5. You love baseball as much as me. Go Braves! ;-)

4. You are always my rock--so calm when there's an emergency or when I'm scared. 
3. Your family is always priority number one and despite how tough it can be sometimes you do what good men do--fight the good fight regardless of how tired or scarred your heart might be.
2. You are an amazing father--truly the best I have ever known. Our kids are lucky to have you.
1. You have given me everything I could ever want--you and our kids!


I love you more than I could ever express and thank God for you daily. I look forward to a long, happy marriage with you watching our babies grow and our hair grey... ok, well my hair grey. :-)

Now, you can say that I've blogged about you. Are you happy? :-)

To Work or Not To Work?

Many new moms struggle with the great work debate--stay home or go back to work? It's an easy decision for some and everyone has their own reasons to be for it or against it. Whatever their choice is I envy the people who had no problem making that choice because, even though I don't consider myself a "new" mom anymore since my son is now 16 months old, I'm still as unsure of where I stand on this as I was the day he was born. I mean I know what my husband and I discussed and decided was best for the fam but somehow I always find myself straddling the fence.

Being a stay at home mom is awesome. I love spending the time with my son; watching him grow and change in the subtlest ways every day. I enjoy not missing his firsts. I enjoy the freedom (to some degree) to make my own schedule and spend it with the people of my choice. I love that I can send J. to daycare not because I have to but because I want him to have a change of pace or so I can take a mental health day. I love that being home gives me flexibility to care for my grandmother and see my hubby when he's off. It's all great but part of me yearns for something different and misses earning a paycheck which would be beneficial to my family right now.

Due to the changes to our family this year--Gramma moving in, a kiddo needing childcare and another baby on the way--my husband and I decided that it was best for me to continue to substitute teach instead of seeking full time work. It's a smart choice ... I think. Taking on a full time position as a first year teacher comes with a certain amount of stress and I would be concerned that, due to family obligations, I would not be able to devote the amount of time necessary to get the job done right.  Subbing is easy teaching. I come in a teach. There is no planning, grading, or meetings. (Unless, of course, I take a long term position and then that's all out the window.) It provides a small additional income and offers a flexibility that other full time positions would not which is always welcome when you are married to a fire fighter with a wacky schedule. I can choose when I work which helps to cut down on child care costs and allows me to address my family's needs without having to balance work commitments.  It's a win-win, right? Yep, but then can someone explain to me why is it every time I back in a classroom I question my choice?

Today, I was back in the classroom for the first time this year subbing for a friend and it felt good. I realized I missed it--teaching, the classroom, that part of my personal identity and just working in general. It felt good to interact with the students and other teachers; to engage in more adult conversation. It felt good to be doing something I love and let that side of my personality out for awhile. It felt just as natural as being home with J. There are a few positions out there that I could apply for and even though it's highly competitive I think I'd have a good chance but would I just be asking for trouble my applying? I mean if I get an interview or am a possible candidate then I'd be in a predicament that would put some strain on my family. Yes, I'd be working again which would be good financially but then I have to see less of the family, pay for child care and make other arrangements for my Gramma, who I have committed to take care of. Not to mention that I'd have to take a maternity leave in the middle of the year. Seems like good reasons to not apply but on the other hand not applying to things seems silly too because if I ever want to work full time in education I feel like I can't pass on any opportunity because who knows when it will come around again.

If only it was easier ... 

Anyway

My last couple of posts have been heavy with negativity, stress and just plain ol' anger. In the last week, this quote has made its way to me in various forms. I'm taking it as a sign from God that I need to change my approach. I have it on good authority that this lady knows what she's talking about.  

"People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."
— Mother Teresa

Simply put but deeply touching to me right now. It's as if Mother Teresa was speaking right to me, infusing in me the strength to be my best self and nudging me to move in the right direction as I'm standing here debating the directions life could take/has taken. The right direction might not always be easiest but I need to take it anyway.

I'm vowing that I'm going to try my hardest to live by these words. I'm going to recognize what is negative in my life but try to stop focusing on it. I have the power to change how I deal with people and things. I need to start letting go of the negativity. During my premarital counseling, our counselor told us that people are creatures of habit. If someone always turned left why would you expect them to turn right? He told us to expect the left turn then it won't be so upsetting and we could move on from it more easily. I think we've lost sight of that. My husband and I have said, that in the past couple of months, we've hit the "reset" button on our life. We've made big changes that in the long run will be way better for us but in the short term have been tough. We have spent too much time focusing on how hard those changes have been instead of how they are a step in the right direction. It's time to stop being a Negative Nelly. Life is too short and we need to be more appreciative of the goodness that surrounds us.

I'm going to try to start focusing on the positive. To surround myself with positive people and make my own happiness.

 Thanks for the reminder, God.

Keep the drama for yo' mama

Last post I talked about an issue that I have contemplated and agonized over for some time. It really tore me up and left me both physically and mentally exhausted this week. I expressed concern about how the people closest to me will likely be the ones quickest to judge my decision on this issue. Monday my husband and I had one of those tough conversations and sure as the sun rises each morning--the judgments, accusations of selfishness and our unwillingness to help out started rolling in and effectively making me out to be the bad guy for asking for something for myself. Boy, do I know my family well. This will be short and sweet because quite frankly there isn't much to say on this topic because I'm over it. O-V-E-R it. So here it is... are you ready?

Keep the drama for yo' mama.

Yep, you might be someone I care about but I don't care for your judgment, criticism, drama or being forced to do things your way simply because it's the way the easiest for you. I'm genuinely sorry that it bothers you that I would stand up and ask for something for my self and my family. I'm sorry if you feel that makes me selfish and/or oblivious to "doing the right thing." Welcome to the real world where everything isn't black and white but rather varying shades of gray. What is right for me may not be right for you but that doesn't make it wrong or make me a bad person for asking for it. It makes me a human and it a difference of opinion.

But for the record let me say that I'm tired, tired, tired, sick and tired of being judged, of having to stand up and defend my decisions. (Did I mention that I am sick and tired? Because in case I didn't ... I'm sick and bloody tired of it!) I have no problem standing up for my decisions because they are MINE! But it is not my job to take responsibility for the rest of my family's choices. The choices they make are for them to deal with.  I have HUGE issues with people not taking responsibilities for their own actions and putting blame on someone else. I'll accept my fair share of blame when its warranted but if people don't like the consequences for their decisions that they made then, well, deal with it! But please don't project your negativity into my house or direct it at me because you don't want to or can't handle your own business!  I have enough on my plate I don't need to add others stuff to it as well. I'm sorry if that comes across selfish or rude but I know what's best for ME and since I'm the only one who is looking our for MY best interest I'm going to do what I need to do, regardless. I don't want or need nor did I ask for the drama. We were well stocked on issues that are surrounded by drama in this household long before this came about and we have no room for more. So, if you--family, friend or foe--don't like the people in MY house, the way I lead MY life, run MY house, or MY requests or decisions about ANY of those things, by all means, mind YOUR own business and don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Time to Put My Big Girl Pants On

I've started this blog at least 4 times and each time it seems unfocused and disorganized ... kinda like me. I think this is because I have a lot weighing on my mind and as I put pen to paper, per se, it is far more complicated than I first thought when I sat down. What is this overly complicated topic you wonder? It's family. Has there ever been a more complicated word?

In the past few years and even months, I've discovered a few things about family. My first realization was that my mother was right. Yep, put it in the record book. She was right. She always said growing up that "you can pick your nose but you can't pick your family." (Even though on numerous occasions I would have liked to do just that.) So in an effort to pick one strand of this very complicated weaving called family,  I think I'll start with this realization. Hopefully, it won't unravel into a mess of other strands.

When I travel down memory lane, my childhood memories are not all roses and rainbows. I wish they were but truth be told, there is a significant amount of them that, to this day, frustrate, confuse and anger me. Don't get me wrong--it wasn't all doom and gloom but enough of it was negative to taint how I feel about my childhood and to have carried over in the form of personal issues that I still deal with today. A lot of what troubles me about my childhood was, as I'm sure any good therapist would tell me, out of my control (as it is for most kids) and not my fault. I see that now, however, that doesn't make it any easier to deal with when you're young and without any choice. It's a crappy feeling knowing that you are in for a rough one and your hands are tied. It sucks knowing there's nothing you can do about it, because, as a youngster you have no control (or very little) over the outcome yet it ultimately affects you in ways you could never have imagined. You didn't get to "pick" your family or their choices. You are just along for the ride and have to deal with what is sent your way. It was something that I always felt was unfair growing up, not that I think there was much alternative, but nonetheless it just didn't feel right.

There are times, as an adult, that I feel the same way although I have more control (or at least I'd like to think I do) then I did as a youngster. It took me a long time to come to terms with some of my family dynamics mainly because, as a child, I didn't have the ability to see the "whole" story or fully understand the reasons behind events. Not that I can say I've cleared that hurdle completely yet but I'm working on it. This coming to terms wasn't without many tears and a boatload of heartache. It was difficult. It still IS difficult. I came to a lot of really tough realizations that even now or hard for me to share because they feel wrong even though I know in my heart they are right. For instance, I love my family but I do not have to like them. It's OK to care for someone deeply but not like their actions or how they make me feel. It's OK to acknowledge that even familial relationships are not always good for you. It's OK to speak up and say "I don't need this in my life." It's OK to say no to family. Seems simple enough but that was probably the toughest lesson for me to learn. I have always struggled with the "obligation" of loving someone (or guilt for not wanting their negativity) because they are family and the constant losing battle of maintaining relationships based on that. I'm sure you've heard "oh, but she's my mother" or "he's my dad, what can I do?" This would have been a classic response from me years ago. I know that I can't change my family but I now know that I can choose to limit or not to be a part of a relationship or situation that doesn't leave me feeling good or have my best interest at heart. I've learned to recognize when a situation, a relationship, a friendship, a whatever, is no longer good for me and that it's time to say enough is enough. It is a powerful realization that comes with consequences as well. I'm sure many of my family reading this won't like that hearing that but it's my truth and I'm going to try to own it.

I'm struggling with this today. It's not with a person or a memory, per se, but with a situation. A situation that is leaving me feeling like I did as a kid--with little to no choice or control.  There is no truth to that because as adult everyone has choice and control but that is how I am feeling. I guess I'm back to struggling with the "obligation of doing what's right because it's family that I love" instead of what I think will probably be best for me, my immediate family and my sanity in the long run. I'm back to feeling stressed, crappy and agitated which is genuinely annoying because I CHOSE this situation and this is a consequence that is impacting my well being and that of the ones I love. I feel guilty because doing what's best for me seems like taking the easy way out and will put burden on others in my family which is leaving me feeling very conflicted. This situation is tougher than I imagined and I know that some tough conversations need to be had but I'm finding it difficult to have them for a couple of reasons. For one, I'm in a role I never expected to be in and I'm not 100% comfortable being in. It's put me at the center of family concern and drama which is a spot I have avoided like the plague. In addition, I find myself in a bit of a role reversal so I'm not sure how to have this conversation with people who have always played parental type figures in my life and, as I mentioned before, speaking up comes with consequences and it's those consequences I'm struggling with. It may be shocking to some of my family and friends that I'm worrying about those consequences because, in my younger years, I've been known to be the outspoken one who didn't really care about what the consequences were but after seeing the consequences to that approach I've worked hard over the years to install and regularly use my filter. I choose my words more carefully and, while I'm still not one to sugar coat the truth, I am not as shoot-from-the-hip as I once was thought to be or, at least, my aim has improved and I keep my gun holstered until its use is warranted. :-) And I care, more importantly, about what people think.

The people that will be affected by my words are people that I care for deeply and do not want to hurt. People I do not want to disappoint, anger or fail. People who have always been there for me and that I want to be there for in their time of need. People whose opinions matter but who, unfortunately, I feel  will be the first to judge me. The problem, I fear, is that no matter what I say, how it is said or how reasonable the request for boundaries and/or change might be to anyone not directly involved it will not be taken that way because these people are family and family play by different rules. Rules that are not always fair and will leave someone feeling bad when it should be just the opposite.

I don't know how to solve this one without there being some casualty and I fear the consequences so right now this remains unresolved and will stay that way until I am able to put my big girl pants on a speak up and deal with the consequences.

Banning Kids?

A friend of mine posted an interesting article on Facebook not long ago about how mainstream society and big business is thinking about, and in some cases, already banning children from certain locations. No kids in first class. No kids under 6 at nicer restaurants. No kids at the movies. No kids at the grocery store ... seriously? It got me thinking. I'd like to ban some people, too.

I'd like to ban the rude people who don't bother to look behind them when backing out therefor almost hitting me and/or taking up the whole lane in the parking lot and then looking at me like I'm the crazy one for being on their side of the lane. I'd like to ban the people at the grocery store who just park their cart in the middle of the aisle like they own the place and then seem peeved when I have to squeeze past them. I'd like to ban all the people who talk or text during the movie that I occasionally get to see and would like to watch in peace and quiet. I'd like to ban the people who see a pregnant woman with a child in a stroller and an elderly grandmother with a walker and don't bother to hold the door open. I'd like to ban the people who stare at me if my child so much as makes peep when we are at a restaurant. I don't care where you send them just don't let me see them again.

Kids, especially little ones, don't always know that what they are doing is inappropriate or bothersome--they are still learning. Most of the time I think they aren't doing it on purpose and even if they do, most responsible parents will remove them from the situation until they can be controlled. The jerks above do know what they are doing and do it anyway. I'm subjected to their behavior regardless of whether or not I want to be so why not ban them.  If you are going to ban a hardworking parent with a limited schedule who might be trying to enjoy a night out or feed her family because her kid is less than a perfect angel all the time then why not ban the rude, inconsiderate jack asses out there? Banning children is discrimination in my book. Not just against the kid but the parent as well. I'm not saying that I don't agree that children shouldn't be in certain situations but blanket bans like these seem unfair.

Wanted: Personal Assistant for Pregnant Woman with Too Much on Her Plate

At the start of the summer life felt like it was hurtling out of control. Both C. and I were wondering how things seemed to go so haywire and then we remembered. In the spring, we sold our house in less than a 2 months, packed our house, moved, unpacked, found out we were pregnant, went to Hawaii with our kids, helped Gramma move in with us, celebrated birthdays/holidays and before we knew it it was June and things were falling through the cracks out of sheer lack of time. We were both grateful that the school year was over so that we could spend some time getting things back in order and figuring out our next steps. We spent July hanging out with our kids and finally getting rooms decorated, the mountain of boxes unpacked, fixing some things that were nagging at us. It was nice. We settled in and things have really started to feel like "normal," at least relative to our life anyway. Then this week happened.

I woke up early this week and it dawned on me. While I was busy focusing on all the other things that had been ignored all spring, I ignored another very important life changing fact. I'm going to be a mother again in just 3 short months and I've done NOTHING to prepare. For those of you who know me, you know that this is not the norm. I like to prepare for everything I can way ahead of schedule and know the plan. I'm this way to the point that it can be nauseating. I've been told that I can be too efficient in handling my family's business and that I over plan--that I'm too business and not enough fun. I won't argue with that because I can be but it's always with the best of intentions and with the goal of making life easier down the line. So naturally, I flipped out when this little nugget of info was discovered on my plate and instantly morphed into my alter ego. I started plotting, planning, measuring, researching, pricing and, in the process, driving my husband nuts.

What can I say? My son is due the Monday after Thanksgiving and while I will be eternally grateful for the blessing I need to make sure I've got my Ps and Qs in order or the fall/early winter will be more hectic than the spring. I mean we've got school starting at the end of the month which means we resume our roles as taxi cab driver, extra-curricular activity coordinator and homework adviser. Oh and part time work for me (which is another blog by itself). We've got our anniversary, a baby shower and Halloween in October, 3 birthdays (prior to T.'s birth) in November, Thanksgiving dinner (which we will be hosting for my ever growing family), Spark of Love activities for C. and Christmas preparations which is a full time job in and of itself. And I need to prepare both my home and my mind to bring another life into the world. I know that I'm going to have to rein in my expectations for this holiday season so a lot of things I'd normally do, or I like to do, are likely not to get done since I'm going to need to work on the more important items. Bottom line... I simply do not have time to be lazy this fall.

So my mad dash has commenced. I've started registering for some things--partly because if I don't I won't remember what I need and partly because of the baby shower. I've researched strollers and our nursery furniture. I've started sorting through all J.'s clothes to pull out goods for T. I've squared away the major details of the baby shower with my sister. I just need to order a few things online. I've picked out a birth announcement/Christmas card so those won't (hopefully) fall by the wayside. I've started discussing the Christmas decorating/shopping (Lord, help me!) with the hubs and have some tentative plans on what's going to happen there. Yet, despite all these preparations I still feel like dazed and confused. AND for whatever crazy reason I got the "creative" bug today while I was browsing Etsy and have added some projects that I'm sure I will drop like a hot potato next week because I'll realize that I'm trying to take on the world again. Ugh.

I know my awesome, do-it-all sidekick/husband will help and somehow it will get done. It will be a challenge for sure but we'll manage. Just don't freak out if you find a hugely pregnant women rocking back and forth on the laundry room floor mumbling something incoherent and frantically cross off and adding things to her notepad. It's only me. :-)

The Defense Mechanism

God help us, we have arrived in the land of 'tweeners and teenagers. It was a landing my husband and I knew was coming yet it still felt as though we were blindsided and hurdled full bore into an unprepared crash landing. The teen world is a whole new world with a whole new set of rules (and just when we thought we were getting the hang of kiddo rules!). To be fair, I'll say the "transition" has been, um, interesting. Our biggest hurdle to date is A.'s unwavering support/defense of her mother.

A. is what I would consider a bit immature for her age. Not in a goofy sort of way but rather still very naive and sheltered for her age so one afternoon when she arrives home from her mother's announcing that she "needed to speak to Dad and M. in the kitchen" we knew something was changing. Amused by such a grown up show of communication my husband and I followed her into the kitchen where we were floored when she very openly announced to us that she had started her period. I am not sure if was the announcement itself or the fashion that it was delivered that surprised us most. This type of behavior is very much out of her character. Or so we thought. And it signaled a big relational shift we didn't see coming.

Since the "big" announcement and the arrival of erratic female hormones, A. has begun to shift her relational center of gravity back toward her mother which is causing the familial divide we often experience to expand. For a while we really felt like A. was a neutral party--not favoring one parent over the other. She was content to spend time at both homes, share in our traditions equally and was comfortable in building on our step-mom-daughter relationship. However, as a young woman in transition she needs her mother more which is a natural reaction and a change I can accept.

What I am peeved about, if you will, is what feels like the constant attitude and her unwavering defense of her mother and anything her mother would want. It isn't that I wouldn't expect her to defend her mother but she blindly does it without knowing the facts, without realizing that the opinion she is giving really isn't her own and that she is being used as a pawn to further her mother's "agenda" (for lack of a better word) and she sometimes does it with complete disregard to her dad's feelings. A. is full of excuses and they are just that--excuses with no real fact behind them. A.'s attitude may be just those teen hormones kicking in but it often feels like it is her declaration that her mother is perfect and can do no wrong and that we are tragically flawed.


Several examples of this behavior come to mind. Not long ago, there was some confusion about a parent teacher conference. A.'s mother is the primary contact for schooling and was notified that the conference was scheduled, then canceled and then rescheduled sometime later. However, only the initial scheduling and cancellation were communicated to C. so he missed the rescheduled conference. Naturally, he was upset. After picking up the kiddos, A. smartly tells her dad that he forgot; that her mother told him. C. had to remind A. that he has not missed anything that was related to them in sometime and would not have missed this if he had known. Yet, A. still defends her mother on this one.

Another behavior that we deal with often is A.'s mother's inability to be on time. For anything. Ever. A.'s defense of her mother is "well, she has kids" which I find amusing because, um, so do we. She explains that it is hard for her mother to get everyone out of the house, with everything they need on time. I admit. It isn't easy but we manage to do it on a daily basis with a toddler in tow and when, on the rare occasion that we are late, we a) call and say so and b) accept responsibility for it. A.'s mother on the other hand just always seems to have an excuse.


One of the most blatant displays of tardiness came one Sunday. A. and her brother N. attend a children's program at a local church about 2 blocks from their mother's home--literally within walking distance. A. was asked to read at both of the church's services--one at 8:30 and one at 10:30. She was very excited. My husband sent his ex a text Saturday night and told her we would be at the 8:30 service to watch. He rushed home from his job which is about a 30 min. drive, showered, changed and rushed another 20 minutes up to the church. We arrived a few minutes early, found our seats and waited. We watched the children pile in the church but there was no sign of A. The children read and performed their song and departed the church. It was over in about 10 minutes and A missed the whole thing. As we were leaving, A. and her mother arrived. The excuse this time was that N. was sick with a sore throat and she was under the impression that they needed to be here at 8:30. Um, either excuse is not a reason to be late. There were 3 other adults at A.'s house that could have taken care of N. for the 20 minutes she would have been gone and she arrived at 8:45 so she would have STILL been late despite their starting promptly at 8:30. On top of that A.'s mother drives by the marquee in front of the church stating the service times weekly and has done so for at least 3 years.


I am a realist you see and I believe in representing things the way they ACTUALLY are versus how I want to see them. I accept responsibility for my actions, good or bad, and wish other people would too. I don't care if A. defends her mother. Really, I don't. I just want her to do it with a clear, unbiased perception and to use logic and reason when she does it. I want her to take into account all the facts and the history behind these actions. And more importantly, I want her to understand that sometimes when there really is no defense for poor behavior it is OK to admit that her mother (or even herself) was wrong.

Ladies & Gentlemen, step right up ...

Our family unit has been experiencing a lot of change in the past few months. Not that is different than any other time but it seems as if these changes are coming in rapid succession making them harder to juggle. This is tough for me to admit because I've always secretly  aspired to be super mom--she who can handle all, quickly, effectively, efficiently, pleasing everyone and doing it with style and grace and a smile on my face. Um, yeah. Who am I kidding? Blame society, blame my perfectionist tendencies, blame TV moms out there who solve the world's problems in 30 minutes. Blame who or whatever you want because no matter who or what is to blame I've set myself up for failure because it's impossible to be everything to everyone, do everything for everyone, be everywhere at once and to do it all without falling to pieces. 

Motherhood, no scratch that, life is a balancing act. We are all tight rope walkers with too many balls in the air. Lately, I've been feeling like I'm a tight roper walker who is walking high above a deep body of water, which is my probably one really irrational fear, and there is some unknown force down below that keeps yelling up "Just one more ball, OK? You can do it, right? You've done so well with all the others. You can handle it." Problem is that this tight rope walker is pregnant and if you've ever been pregnant you know your center of gravity is off and that every brain cell you have in your head (whatever was left after the last baby) is going to the task of growing that little person. Not a good position for a tight rope walker to be off kilter with a foggy brain trying to juggle all those delicate balls--baby growing, toddler, husband, kids, grandmother, house, finances, schedules, chores... the list goes on. Eventually, something has got to give. But what?

So I guess that's where I am at... what gives? It's not as if you can give back any of those things and I really wouldn't want to. All of the things that cause me stress are the things that are most important to my life which is why I worry about them. How do I keep it all balanced? What I really have to give back is the notion that I can do it all and to stop comparing myself to the people who appear to be doing it because just like the tight rope walker at the circus... not everything is as it appears. I simply can't. That might be the toughest lesson of all. I'm only one person and, unfortunately, I'm not a super hero. Just a circus act. :-) 

Momnesia: The Result of my Alien Encounter

Yesterday, as I was frantically trying to select and coordinate frames at Aaron Bros. before my child, who was over due for a nap, boarded the train to Melt Down City, I had a fabulous thought about a blog topic. I'd tell you what it was but with J. screeching and running at warp speed through a store full of breakable items with his daddy-turned-parrot in tow repeating "No, J. Don't touch that," I was completely distracted and I forgot it.  As quick as I had that thought, it was gone. I actually wonder if it happened or if I just imagined it. A moment of panic set in. I used to be razor sharp. I would remember everything for everyone and now? I'm losing my marbles and I need to find them. Quick. I'm only 30-ish. Could it be early Alzheimer's I thought? Oh no ladies the answer is much simpler. It's a complicated medical condition called Momnesia a.k.a. Pregnancy Brain.  It affects hundreds of thousands of women each year and can be quite debilitating--names of your children... gone from memory. Grocery list you used to be able to remember by heart ... a thing of the past. That important meeting at school ... um, what meeting? Don't panic though. The good news is there is treatment. However, before we get to the treatment. Let's discuss the cause.

Bottom line, babies have us fooled. Underneath that cute, cuddly, soft, sweet smelling (sometimes) exterior they are tiny aliens who have come to Earth to suck the brains out of all their hosts. With our natural resources on board their little bodies they begin their quest for total world domination. (Okay, they start with toy domination and work their way up but you get my drift.) Left with a brain void of operating brain cells, mothers everywhere end up wandering around the house like zombies from Shaun of the Dead. OK, at least this is what it felt like at Aaron Bros. Babies, I'm afraid, are the only known cause for Momnesia.

In case you weren't aware, frame selection is a tough task with the multitude of choices, sizes and finishes. It can be overwhelming for anyone but for a sufferer of Momnesia it is downright impossible. Despite my best attempts to ignore the commotion running up and down the aisles, I couldn't seem to formulate a complete thought. I'd start to say something and ... nothing would come out. Reese, the salesperson, looked at me confused. "Can I help you ma'am?" Um, yes. You can start by not calling me ma'am and then you can find me a mat to fit this frame because I don't have the brain power to do it.

This isn't the first time the symptoms have occurred. I have simply been ignoring them hoping this condition would correct itself. I've forgotten my mother-in-law's birthday, to pay bills, my own social security number and conversations with my husband ... 30 seconds after we have them. The other day when I made, what must have been the 100th trip upstairs (tough work for a preggo), and  I got to the top of the stairs I forgot why I was there. Infuriated I walked back downstairs only to remember on the last step what I had intended to do/get. It was as if my brain was short circuiting like a computer and that I was only minutes away from getting the blue screen of death. Most sufferers experience these symptoms for a minimum of 9 months and often for a year or possibly two after the alien invasion. Keep an eye out for these symptoms and seek help as soon as your condition has been identified.

It wasn't until dinner that I figured out what was really happening. It's a couple of things, actually. As previously stated, babies are aliens. And we all know from those horrible sci-fi movies we've watched over the years, aliens come with special skills that we mere humans do not possess. First step is to cripple us by sucking our brain cells dry then step two is they continue to control the few we have left. It kinda works like a radio scrambler. Everything is coming in loud and clear and then ... WHAM! The baby/alien starts screaming or whining and your thoughts are suddenly scrambled beyond recognition. Sneaky little crumb suckers.

So on to treatments. In an effort to prevent mothers from wondering where they parked the mothership or who exactly the leader is around here, you must immediately and as frequently as possible mother's need to sleep, focus on one task at a time (ha!), "back up" your brain by commencing the note taking, list making and setting reminders, share your important forget-me-nots via adult conversation preferably with someone less affected than you, and laugh at your forgetfulness as much as possible. Laughter is, after all, the best medicine.

Know Your Role

My first realization as a step-mother was that if a job description existed for my title it would be lengthy, complicated and very few people, if any, would ever apply. The way I see it is this: as a mother (or father for that matter) your job is to love and protect your child unconditionally and to do right by them regardless of what others might think of your child rearing ways. Sure, the actual task of protecting and doing right by them might not be easy in execution but doing it unconditionally and regardless of what others think is a piece of cake for most parents I have met. Not so with step-moms. While we are encouraged to love, protect and do right by our kiddos it is almost always with conditions and according to someone else's rules. All the parenting blogs, magazines and articles I read about step-parents say it's important to respect your role. But how can you "respect" your role if it constantly changes according to what someone else deems appropriate? And your level of "respect" is never enough.

It is this issue that I have struggled with the most during my stint as a step-parent. I have been accused more than once of "over-stepping" my boundaries when it comes to the kiddos. Love them but do not have a relationship with them because that might threaten the other parent. Be involved but do not do anything the other parent would want to do with them. Protect them but not when the other parent is around. Talk to them but not when they come to you with the tough questions. Help raise them in the practical sense by feeding, clothing and bathing them but do not expect to have any input on how they are raised morally or educated. Provide a house for them but not a "home." I am not sure that I know how to do that so my husband's ex-wife, A., and I do not see eye to eye on this.

Don't get me wrong. As step-moms go, I like to think of myself as pretty open minded and respectful of what I feel are basic courtesies. There are certain things that I know A. would not approve of and we do our best to respect those wishes. I will respect her wishes to take the children to church and raise them in a Christian fashion but I do not think that I should be told to not provide them with an age appropriate factual response to the "where do babies come from?" question if they come to ME with that question. A. does not always see (or acknowledge) the effort that is put in to respecting her role (or wishes) as mother and rarely attempts to respect anything that pertains to my husband, C., or I. This is extremely difficult for C. and me as we are very fair people and believe that you should do unto others as you would have done to you. Unfortunately for us, A. is not and can be a quite stubborn individual who believes that the world revolves around her and her wishes alone. Knowing this about my situation, I subscribe to a few basic guidelines in my approach to the whole "know your role" argument.

First, I accept the fact I will NEVER meet A's ever changing expectations on what my "role" entails so I shouldn’t beat myself up over it. It is almost impossible to hit a moving target. I am trying to come to terms with and be happy with just being NEAR the target since that is as close as I'll ever get.

Second, I let the kiddos call the shots on our relationship and what "role" they need me to play (within reason). As long as the kiddos are comfortable with our relationship/my role then I am comfortable whether A. is or not. I was a child of divorce and had a step-mom (my mother's former best friend) who tried unrelentingly to use her magical powers to morph me somehow into her biological daughter and to erase all evidence of my "other" family. Naturally, as most kids in this situation, I was not too keen on the idea and harbored a lot of resentment toward her. This is the LAST thing I want to inflict upon my kiddos. I WILL NOT use them as emotional pawns. I am NOT trying to replace their mother and they KNOW that. Instead, I am trying to carve out my own special place with them. While it may be hurtful to me that they may not always feel comfortable hugging me in front of their mother or even saying hello when we are all together--they know that I will never make THEM feel awkward about it. In the end, the only people that have to be comfortable with my “role” are the kiddos and I.

Third, I try to keep everything in perspective. God does not give us situations that we cannot handle. He is teaching me something and while I might not enjoy His lesson I know in my mind that I will come out for the better (if not slightly beaten up). Bottom line is A. is threatened by me--I know this, she knows this. So, through gritted teeth and with my most superficial smile, I throw on my flax jacket for protection, take cover and try my damndest to cut her some slack when she starts acting like an ass. I am not always successful and it does get me fired up occasionally but I have to keep in mind that she's only hurting herself with her bad behavior and one day the kiddos will see the truth. And occasionally when that doesn't work I fantasize about causing her great bodily harm until she begs for mercy. Hey, no one's perfect are they?

And last but not least, I will make sure every day until the day I take my last breath that those children know that I love and would do anything for them. Unconditionally and regardless of what anyone else thinks.

Sitting Around Waiting on Two Pink Lines

Who really ever knows what they are getting themselves into when they first see those two pink lines? I sure as hell didn’t.



The first time I got a positive pregnancy test I was terribly excited as you’d expect one to be and I was quick to share my news. I all but took out an ad in the LA Times to make the announcement. However, my excitement quickly turned to horror when I discovered at my very first doctor’s appointment that I was going to miscarry. While I think most women rationally understand that a miscarriage is a possibility no one ever thinks it will ACTUALLY happen to them. I was devastated but was told that it was perfectly normal. Right, “perfectly normal” my ass. Perfectly horrible and gut wrenching was more appropriate. There is nothing worse than having to explain to all the well wishers who didn’t know the horrible news what happened or to tell your parents that they aren’t going to be grandparents anymore.


When the second test came back positive I was happy but hesitant. I was trying to keep a positive outlook and relax but was secretly terrified. We chose not to share the news at all this time. I honestly tried to forget I was pregnant just so I wouldn’t obsess over my insane fear. After our first and second appointments, I started to relax. Everything was looking good. And then appointment three rolled around and the sucker punch came flying in from somewhere in the back … another miscarriage. Again, devastation set in but then came alternating waves of fury and fear. Fury over how it was that every woman I seemed to pass on the street was pregnant but I wasn’t and fear that I wouldn’t be able to have children.


Luckily for me, my fertility issues were short lived and after one exploratory surgery my problem seemed to be fixed. Even so when the third pregnancy test came back positive, almost a full two years after our first miscarriage, my first reaction was still terror. I did not want to go through another miscarriage and I was sure that without a shadow of a doubt it was going to happen again. Fast forward to the present. I'm sitting here listening to my boy on the monitor as he sleeps peacefully in his room. My pregnancy was textbook. Unfortunately for me, I was what I would classify as “cautiously optimistic” through at least my second trimester and just couldn’t relax enough to fully experience the miracle that was happening to me.


I’d like to say that everything changed when my beautiful son made his way into the world but I can’t say that it has. Yes, I absolutely can (and do) enjoy the miracle who smiles up at me each morning when I greet him in his crib. Yes, I’m insanely happy when he snuggles his head against my shoulder or giggles and shrieks with delight at his daddy. It fills me with joy to see the look on my grandmother's face when she sees her great-grandson. I love him more than I ever thought possible but mixed in with that love also comes more terror. I’m terrified that something will happen to him or that I’ll somehow fail him. I'm terrified that he'll feel disconnected from his brother and sister because they are only with us part time. The list could go on ...


I thought I’d be giving up all that terror when he was born but realized that I just traded it in for a new and different kind of terror. The kind that will last the rest of my life. It was my first realization that I’m now officially a mommy. Actually, four months away from being a mommy a second time. I'm not sure how I'll manage a toddler, a newborn and my grandmother's needs as well as my step-kids, husbands and last but certainly not least, my own. It terrifies me but I pray that the Lord will give us guidance and am confident that He would never steer us in the wrong direction. So, this time, instead of focusing on the terror that will never go away I'm just trying to enjoy those "two pink lines."

An introduction of sorts ...

As an undergrad I was a journalism major who wrote for my campus weekly. Of all the positions I held my favorite was that of Editorial Director. I am a loud mouthed, opinionated type A personality so I love that I can share my thoughts with a captive audience. It has been a decade since I graduated and my career path has me writing lesson plans instead of opinion pieces these days. However, as a way to hold on to an old love I have toyed with the idea of a blog which seemed more doable than a book. The decision was made but a topic was yet to be determined. Like most people, I write about what I know. Right now, that's family life. Yes, I know who wants to read about the life and times of a housewife and stay at home mommy? What's exciting about dishes, laundry and dirty diapers and how is it different from any other wife/mom's life?Well, it probably isn't but it can be entertaining nonetheless.

When I think back to all my many romantic day dreams about the man who would sweep me off my feet and the life that we would undoubtedly live together I can tell you without the shadow of a doubt that the fantasy did not include kiddos from a previous marriage or an ex-wife. However, life has oh-so-gently reminded me every day for the last five years that a) fantasies are a fantastic notion that are not grounded in reality and b) I am not in control of these things. Or anything thing for that matter.


It just so happens that the man of my dreams turned out to be a fireman with a two adorable kiddos and one ex-wife who has, um, made life complicated. Now, throw in a wacky schedule and being a new-ish mom juggling all that comes with a toddler, a new baby on the way, an elderly live-in grandmother who requires care, expectations, hopes and dreams and our life seems to always be in some state of turmoil or constant change. While my family unit isn't what I would have picked from the Happily Family catalog it is what the good Lord delivered to me and for that I am eternally grateful. It's just another day in paradise. I would fight to the death for my husband and kiddos but, truthfully, I never thought I would feel like I was doing it every day and sometimes against people who should be fighting alongside me instead of against me but such is my life. Sometimes we are fighting against an invisible enemy such has a change in our relationship with our ‘tween daughter or how to "blend" a new sibiling into an already "blended" family. Or sometimes we are fighting against an opponent that we can put a face or a name to easily whether it be another person or the multitude of emotions that come with parenthood.


We try desperately to protect our family from the causalities of life but find that it is harder than expected. Even the smallest of issues can be a battle field that you must navigate and you must tread lightly because so many factors complicate your ability to diffuse a situation that it is truly unbelievable. One wrong move and BOOM! you have triggered a land mine that could have irreparable damage. I know it sounds harsh to refer to my family life has a war zone but as far as analogies go it's the most accurate.


While our "war" is a day-to-day battle, we do enjoy our downtime with the "troops." We simply adore our little guy and have a pretty solid relationship with both of our older children despite all that has happened and continues to come up regularly. Communication is the number one family value we promote and we do our best to make sure the lines are open all the time--for good or bad.


I guess that's why I decided to start this blog. I know I am not the only new-ish mom/step-mother/wife out there who has fought the good fight yet I regularly feel as if I'm the lone solider on the front lines and, quite frankly, often find myself pissed off about it. I am not sure whether this blog will be simply cheap therapy for me or whether I'll be able to offer some guidance to those who have been recruited to join the mommy forces. I guess I am hoping for a combination of the two.