In the past few years and even months, I've discovered a few things about family. My first realization was that my mother was right. Yep, put it in the record book. She was right. She always said growing up that "you can pick your nose but you can't pick your family." (Even though on numerous occasions I would have liked to do just that.) So in an effort to pick one strand of this very complicated weaving called family, I think I'll start with this realization. Hopefully, it won't unravel into a mess of other strands.
When I travel down memory lane, my childhood memories are not all roses and rainbows. I wish they were but truth be told, there is a significant amount of them that, to this day, frustrate, confuse and anger me. Don't get me wrong--it wasn't all doom and gloom but enough of it was negative to taint how I feel about my childhood and to have carried over in the form of personal issues that I still deal with today. A lot of what troubles me about my childhood was, as I'm sure any good therapist would tell me, out of my control (as it is for most kids) and not my fault. I see that now, however, that doesn't make it any easier to deal with when you're young and without any choice. It's a crappy feeling knowing that you are in for a rough one and your hands are tied. It sucks knowing there's nothing you can do about it, because, as a youngster you have no control (or very little) over the outcome yet it ultimately affects you in ways you could never have imagined. You didn't get to "pick" your family or their choices. You are just along for the ride and have to deal with what is sent your way. It was something that I always felt was unfair growing up, not that I think there was much alternative, but nonetheless it just didn't feel right.
There are times, as an adult, that I feel the same way although I have more control (or at least I'd like to think I do) then I did as a youngster. It took me a long time to come to terms with some of my family dynamics mainly because, as a child, I didn't have the ability to see the "whole" story or fully understand the reasons behind events. Not that I can say I've cleared that hurdle completely yet but I'm working on it. This coming to terms wasn't without many tears and a boatload of heartache. It was difficult. It still IS difficult. I came to a lot of really tough realizations that even now or hard for me to share because they feel wrong even though I know in my heart they are right. For instance, I love my family but I do not have to like them. It's OK to care for someone deeply but not like their actions or how they make me feel. It's OK to acknowledge that even familial relationships are not always good for you. It's OK to speak up and say "I don't need this in my life." It's OK to say no to family. Seems simple enough but that was probably the toughest lesson for me to learn. I have always struggled with the "obligation" of loving someone (or guilt for not wanting their negativity) because they are family and the constant losing battle of maintaining relationships based on that. I'm sure you've heard "oh, but she's my mother" or "he's my dad, what can I do?" This would have been a classic response from me years ago. I know that I can't change my family but I now know that I can choose to limit or not to be a part of a relationship or situation that doesn't leave me feeling good or have my best interest at heart. I've learned to recognize when a situation, a relationship, a friendship, a whatever, is no longer good for me and that it's time to say enough is enough. It is a powerful realization that comes with consequences as well. I'm sure many of my family reading this won't like that hearing that but it's my truth and I'm going to try to own it.
I'm struggling with this today. It's not with a person or a memory, per se, but with a situation. A situation that is leaving me feeling like I did as a kid--with little to no choice or control. There is no truth to that because as adult everyone has choice and control but that is how I am feeling. I guess I'm back to struggling with the "obligation of doing what's right because it's family that I love" instead of what I think will probably be best for me, my immediate family and my sanity in the long run. I'm back to feeling stressed, crappy and agitated which is genuinely annoying because I CHOSE this situation and this is a consequence that is impacting my well being and that of the ones I love. I feel guilty because doing what's best for me seems like taking the easy way out and will put burden on others in my family which is leaving me feeling very conflicted. This situation is tougher than I imagined and I know that some tough conversations need to be had but I'm finding it difficult to have them for a couple of reasons. For one, I'm in a role I never expected to be in and I'm not 100% comfortable being in. It's put me at the center of family concern and drama which is a spot I have avoided like the plague. In addition, I find myself in a bit of a role reversal so I'm not sure how to have this conversation with people who have always played parental type figures in my life and, as I mentioned before, speaking up comes with consequences and it's those consequences I'm struggling with. It may be shocking to some of my family and friends that I'm worrying about those consequences because, in my younger years, I've been known to be the outspoken one who didn't really care about what the consequences were but after seeing the consequences to that approach I've worked hard over the years to install and regularly use my filter. I choose my words more carefully and, while I'm still not one to sugar coat the truth, I am not as shoot-from-the-hip as I once was thought to be or, at least, my aim has improved and I keep my gun holstered until its use is warranted. :-) And I care, more importantly, about what people think.
The people that will be affected by my words are people that I care for deeply and do not want to hurt. People I do not want to disappoint, anger or fail. People who have always been there for me and that I want to be there for in their time of need. People whose opinions matter but who, unfortunately, I feel will be the first to judge me. The problem, I fear, is that no matter what I say, how it is said or how reasonable the request for boundaries and/or change might be to anyone not directly involved it will not be taken that way because these people are family and family play by different rules. Rules that are not always fair and will leave someone feeling bad when it should be just the opposite.
I don't know how to solve this one without there being some casualty and I fear the consequences so right now this remains unresolved and will stay that way until I am able to put my big girl pants on a speak up and deal with the consequences.
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