Many new moms struggle with the great work debate--stay home or go back to work? It's an easy decision for some and everyone has their own reasons to be for it or against it. Whatever their choice is I envy the people who had no problem making that choice because, even though I don't consider myself a "new" mom anymore since my son is now 16 months old, I'm still as unsure of where I stand on this as I was the day he was born. I mean I know what my husband and I discussed and decided was best for the fam but somehow I always find myself straddling the fence.
Being a stay at home mom is awesome. I love spending the time with my son; watching him grow and change in the subtlest ways every day. I enjoy not missing his firsts. I enjoy the freedom (to some degree) to make my own schedule and spend it with the people of my choice. I love that I can send J. to daycare not because I have to but because I want him to have a change of pace or so I can take a mental health day. I love that being home gives me flexibility to care for my grandmother and see my hubby when he's off. It's all great but part of me yearns for something different and misses earning a paycheck which would be beneficial to my family right now.
Due to the changes to our family this year--Gramma moving in, a kiddo needing childcare and another baby on the way--my husband and I decided that it was best for me to continue to substitute teach instead of seeking full time work. It's a smart choice ... I think. Taking on a full time position as a first year teacher comes with a certain amount of stress and I would be concerned that, due to family obligations, I would not be able to devote the amount of time necessary to get the job done right. Subbing is easy teaching. I come in a teach. There is no planning, grading, or meetings. (Unless, of course, I take a long term position and then that's all out the window.) It provides a small additional income and offers a flexibility that other full time positions would not which is always welcome when you are married to a fire fighter with a wacky schedule. I can choose when I work which helps to cut down on child care costs and allows me to address my family's needs without having to balance work commitments. It's a win-win, right? Yep, but then can someone explain to me why is it every time I back in a classroom I question my choice?
Today, I was back in the classroom for the first time this year subbing for a friend and it felt good. I realized I missed it--teaching, the classroom, that part of my personal identity and just working in general. It felt good to interact with the students and other teachers; to engage in more adult conversation. It felt good to be doing something I love and let that side of my personality out for awhile. It felt just as natural as being home with J. There are a few positions out there that I could apply for and even though it's highly competitive I think I'd have a good chance but would I just be asking for trouble my applying? I mean if I get an interview or am a possible candidate then I'd be in a predicament that would put some strain on my family. Yes, I'd be working again which would be good financially but then I have to see less of the family, pay for child care and make other arrangements for my Gramma, who I have committed to take care of. Not to mention that I'd have to take a maternity leave in the middle of the year. Seems like good reasons to not apply but on the other hand not applying to things seems silly too because if I ever want to work full time in education I feel like I can't pass on any opportunity because who knows when it will come around again.
If only it was easier ...
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