Know Your Role

My first realization as a step-mother was that if a job description existed for my title it would be lengthy, complicated and very few people, if any, would ever apply. The way I see it is this: as a mother (or father for that matter) your job is to love and protect your child unconditionally and to do right by them regardless of what others might think of your child rearing ways. Sure, the actual task of protecting and doing right by them might not be easy in execution but doing it unconditionally and regardless of what others think is a piece of cake for most parents I have met. Not so with step-moms. While we are encouraged to love, protect and do right by our kiddos it is almost always with conditions and according to someone else's rules. All the parenting blogs, magazines and articles I read about step-parents say it's important to respect your role. But how can you "respect" your role if it constantly changes according to what someone else deems appropriate? And your level of "respect" is never enough.

It is this issue that I have struggled with the most during my stint as a step-parent. I have been accused more than once of "over-stepping" my boundaries when it comes to the kiddos. Love them but do not have a relationship with them because that might threaten the other parent. Be involved but do not do anything the other parent would want to do with them. Protect them but not when the other parent is around. Talk to them but not when they come to you with the tough questions. Help raise them in the practical sense by feeding, clothing and bathing them but do not expect to have any input on how they are raised morally or educated. Provide a house for them but not a "home." I am not sure that I know how to do that so my husband's ex-wife, A., and I do not see eye to eye on this.

Don't get me wrong. As step-moms go, I like to think of myself as pretty open minded and respectful of what I feel are basic courtesies. There are certain things that I know A. would not approve of and we do our best to respect those wishes. I will respect her wishes to take the children to church and raise them in a Christian fashion but I do not think that I should be told to not provide them with an age appropriate factual response to the "where do babies come from?" question if they come to ME with that question. A. does not always see (or acknowledge) the effort that is put in to respecting her role (or wishes) as mother and rarely attempts to respect anything that pertains to my husband, C., or I. This is extremely difficult for C. and me as we are very fair people and believe that you should do unto others as you would have done to you. Unfortunately for us, A. is not and can be a quite stubborn individual who believes that the world revolves around her and her wishes alone. Knowing this about my situation, I subscribe to a few basic guidelines in my approach to the whole "know your role" argument.

First, I accept the fact I will NEVER meet A's ever changing expectations on what my "role" entails so I shouldn’t beat myself up over it. It is almost impossible to hit a moving target. I am trying to come to terms with and be happy with just being NEAR the target since that is as close as I'll ever get.

Second, I let the kiddos call the shots on our relationship and what "role" they need me to play (within reason). As long as the kiddos are comfortable with our relationship/my role then I am comfortable whether A. is or not. I was a child of divorce and had a step-mom (my mother's former best friend) who tried unrelentingly to use her magical powers to morph me somehow into her biological daughter and to erase all evidence of my "other" family. Naturally, as most kids in this situation, I was not too keen on the idea and harbored a lot of resentment toward her. This is the LAST thing I want to inflict upon my kiddos. I WILL NOT use them as emotional pawns. I am NOT trying to replace their mother and they KNOW that. Instead, I am trying to carve out my own special place with them. While it may be hurtful to me that they may not always feel comfortable hugging me in front of their mother or even saying hello when we are all together--they know that I will never make THEM feel awkward about it. In the end, the only people that have to be comfortable with my “role” are the kiddos and I.

Third, I try to keep everything in perspective. God does not give us situations that we cannot handle. He is teaching me something and while I might not enjoy His lesson I know in my mind that I will come out for the better (if not slightly beaten up). Bottom line is A. is threatened by me--I know this, she knows this. So, through gritted teeth and with my most superficial smile, I throw on my flax jacket for protection, take cover and try my damndest to cut her some slack when she starts acting like an ass. I am not always successful and it does get me fired up occasionally but I have to keep in mind that she's only hurting herself with her bad behavior and one day the kiddos will see the truth. And occasionally when that doesn't work I fantasize about causing her great bodily harm until she begs for mercy. Hey, no one's perfect are they?

And last but not least, I will make sure every day until the day I take my last breath that those children know that I love and would do anything for them. Unconditionally and regardless of what anyone else thinks.