God help us, we have arrived in the land of 'tweeners and teenagers. It was a landing my husband and I knew was coming yet it still felt as though we were blindsided and hurdled full bore into an unprepared crash landing. The teen world is a whole new world with a whole new set of rules (and just when we thought we were getting the hang of kiddo rules!). To be fair, I'll say the "transition" has been, um, interesting. Our biggest hurdle to date is A.'s unwavering support/defense of her mother.
A. is what I would consider a bit immature for her age. Not in a goofy sort of way but rather still very naive and sheltered for her age so one afternoon when she arrives home from her mother's announcing that she "needed to speak to Dad and M. in the kitchen" we knew something was changing. Amused by such a grown up show of communication my husband and I followed her into the kitchen where we were floored when she very openly announced to us that she had started her period. I am not sure if was the announcement itself or the fashion that it was delivered that surprised us most. This type of behavior is very much out of her character. Or so we thought. And it signaled a big relational shift we didn't see coming.
Since the "big" announcement and the arrival of erratic female hormones, A. has begun to shift her relational center of gravity back toward her mother which is causing the familial divide we often experience to expand. For a while we really felt like A. was a neutral party--not favoring one parent over the other. She was content to spend time at both homes, share in our traditions equally and was comfortable in building on our step-mom-daughter relationship. However, as a young woman in transition she needs her mother more which is a natural reaction and a change I can accept.
What I am peeved about, if you will, is what feels like the constant attitude and her unwavering defense of her mother and anything her mother would want. It isn't that I wouldn't expect her to defend her mother but she blindly does it without knowing the facts, without realizing that the opinion she is giving really isn't her own and that she is being used as a pawn to further her mother's "agenda" (for lack of a better word) and she sometimes does it with complete disregard to her dad's feelings. A. is full of excuses and they are just that--excuses with no real fact behind them. A.'s attitude may be just those teen hormones kicking in but it often feels like it is her declaration that her mother is perfect and can do no wrong and that we are tragically flawed.
Several examples of this behavior come to mind. Not long ago, there was some confusion about a parent teacher conference. A.'s mother is the primary contact for schooling and was notified that the conference was scheduled, then canceled and then rescheduled sometime later. However, only the initial scheduling and cancellation were communicated to C. so he missed the rescheduled conference. Naturally, he was upset. After picking up the kiddos, A. smartly tells her dad that he forgot; that her mother told him. C. had to remind A. that he has not missed anything that was related to them in sometime and would not have missed this if he had known. Yet, A. still defends her mother on this one.
Another behavior that we deal with often is A.'s mother's inability to be on time. For anything. Ever. A.'s defense of her mother is "well, she has kids" which I find amusing because, um, so do we. She explains that it is hard for her mother to get everyone out of the house, with everything they need on time. I admit. It isn't easy but we manage to do it on a daily basis with a toddler in tow and when, on the rare occasion that we are late, we a) call and say so and b) accept responsibility for it. A.'s mother on the other hand just always seems to have an excuse.
One of the most blatant displays of tardiness came one Sunday. A. and her brother N. attend a children's program at a local church about 2 blocks from their mother's home--literally within walking distance. A. was asked to read at both of the church's services--one at 8:30 and one at 10:30. She was very excited. My husband sent his ex a text Saturday night and told her we would be at the 8:30 service to watch. He rushed home from his job which is about a 30 min. drive, showered, changed and rushed another 20 minutes up to the church. We arrived a few minutes early, found our seats and waited. We watched the children pile in the church but there was no sign of A. The children read and performed their song and departed the church. It was over in about 10 minutes and A missed the whole thing. As we were leaving, A. and her mother arrived. The excuse this time was that N. was sick with a sore throat and she was under the impression that they needed to be here at 8:30. Um, either excuse is not a reason to be late. There were 3 other adults at A.'s house that could have taken care of N. for the 20 minutes she would have been gone and she arrived at 8:45 so she would have STILL been late despite their starting promptly at 8:30. On top of that A.'s mother drives by the marquee in front of the church stating the service times weekly and has done so for at least 3 years.
I am a realist you see and I believe in representing things the way they ACTUALLY are versus how I want to see them. I accept responsibility for my actions, good or bad, and wish other people would too. I don't care if A. defends her mother. Really, I don't. I just want her to do it with a clear, unbiased perception and to use logic and reason when she does it. I want her to take into account all the facts and the history behind these actions. And more importantly, I want her to understand that sometimes when there really is no defense for poor behavior it is OK to admit that her mother (or even herself) was wrong.
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