Monday, September 19, 2011

Heaven on Earth

As I have shared, my son J. has hit the tantrum stage. It's been a very trying couple of weeks as we are learning to deal with this new behavior and I often wonder if we'll make it through. Today I know we will because this morning I was greeted by a familiar little boy. This little boy happily greeted me this morning when I came into his room. He grabbed his truck and blankie and lifted his arms to me waiting for his ride down stairs. He smiled and babbled all the way to the kitchen and while I grabbed his morning milk. Then, he snuggled on my lap for a half an hour! <3 It was heaven on Earth. To feel his warm body nestled into mine, smell the shampoo from last night's bath and listen to the joyful "truck" noises he was making up and down my arms was the best way to be spend the morning. I'm hoping for a repeat now that he's awake from his nap. Here's hoping for another few minutes in heaven.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Hello, My Name is No

When your first child is born you just can't wait for them to hit all those milestones... smile, sit up, babble, laugh, walk, etc. You are so giddy over your little miracle that the reality of what accompanies those milestones seems to escape you. I can say this ... you can run but you can't hide. No matter where you go it will find you. The tantrum, that is.

We've entered a new stage with the bambino. For awhile now, I've been in denial. I was hoping, dreaming, saying a hail Mary really, that it was just teething angst or another ear infection but alas I am sure now that I'm wrong. I'm sure because J.  was just given the all clear on the nagging ear infection and, while he has been teething since the day he was born, his discomfort has never manifested itself quite this way. You know... with kicking, screaming, throwing, hitting and pinching. Ah, yes, it seems the terrible twos are just lurking around the corner ready to sucker punch us into submission. I knew it was coming but can say that I'm really not prepared for this.

I've read my fair share of parenting books and articles. I understand that greeting your enraged child with a sea of calm, explaining and then ignoring their bad behavior is the way to go. Maybe even a time out but let me tell you that more often than not I'm finding myself gradually growing into a category 4 hurricane--totally annoyed and read to rain down with a punishment and am the one who is really in need of the time out. My reaction only frustrates me more because, logically, I know that he's only 16 months old and he doesn't know any better yet so my reaction is quite stupid. All I can say is that it's an emotional reaction not a logical one and I'm blaming it on the baby.  The one that's still in the womb. He's hijacked my immune system and is sucking up my energy like a Capri Sun which leaves me feeling like I'm running on empty at a time when it's best to be fueled for the long haul. Disciplining a headstrong toddler is an all day, every day event that requires mental and physical preparation much like training for a marathon. While I could use the preparation I just can't seem to muster the patience to tolerate it. I mean, let's be real, who feels like training when you feel like the Mrs. Stay Puft Marshmallow Man--huge and about to combust due to the wicked heat/humidity? Um, short answer, not me!

But I have to--for the sake of my little J. and his unborn brother. I do not want to be that mom. I need to tackle this stage like I would anything else--armed with information, a lot of rest and a good hiding spot. My hope is that I can survive the next few months and regain enough energy to deal with the year that follows. I know this is a stage and it, too, shall pass. I just prefer it to pass while I am still relatively sane, before J. thinks his name is "No!" and I've gone mad at the sound of hearing my own voice on repeat.

P.S. If anyone has good reading materials on taming the toddler, I'd love to hear your recommendations.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

9/11/01: Ten Years Later

Ten years ago today I was just outside Camp Pendleton in my Oceanside apartment awaiting news on when I could pick up my then-boyfriend from his float overseas. It had been months and I was excited to see him. I was picking out the perfect outfit for his return when my phone rang. I jumped with anticipation but soon realized it wasn't the call I was expecting to get. I know that I wasn't the only one who received a call they weren't expecting to get that day as soon as my friend Lou told me a plane flown by terrorists hit the World Trade Center and it was collapsing. I was stunned when my all my TV would show me were these horrific images. I simply couldn't believe my eyes. I cried like I have never cried before. 

I still cry. I'll cry every time I see it. It is a memory I could never erase even if I tried. The heartbreaking stories are seared into my mind. It's probably the reason why I have avoided the news this week. Now, ten years later, I'm married to a fireman and have children. It is as real today as it was ten years ago but it hits home more deeply than ever and I think my heart breaks more now. I can't bear to think of those poor babies who were robbed the opportunity to know their daddies--it just tears me up inside and scares me due to my husband's line of work. I can't bear to think of those firemen running up those stairs trying to save whomever they could when I'm sure they wanted to run out of there just as bad. We joke about how firemen sit around the station all day, cooking and playing cards but when the bell rings it's a whole different story--ask the friends and families of the 343 NY firemen who died.  I can't bear to think of the 2,977 people who died and what their families had to go through. I can't bear to think of those who are STILL fighting for our freedom both on the home front and overseas. It brings me to tears just thinking about it.

So, well, I will not be watching a full day of coverage today I will be doing what those people will never get the chance to do ... hugging my kids, spending time with my family, feeling my unborn son move and thanking God that I'm here to do that. I'll also be thanking him for the police, fire, EMTs, and military service men and women who give unselfishly their time and lives to protect us--truly no greater sacrifice could be made.  

And I promise that I will NEVER forget.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

10 Things I Love About My Dorky Husband

This is for you babe.

Since I've started blogging my hubs seems to be under the impression that all I do is complain about him online to people around the world. Obviously, he's not a reader or he'd know the truth but I won't hold that against him. But as I teased him about his obvious misconception of what I'm doing here I thought that maybe he deserved a blog. Just for him. Just about him.

After having been "off the market" for four years and suddenly back in dating world that seemed so incredibly foreign to me, I was sceptical that I would ever meet someone that was "perfect" for me. I had been through a tough cross country break up and a series of poorly matched clingy pseudo relationships that had soured my view on dating. Meeting the right guy felt impossible. I wasn't a bar hopper anymore and the options of men at work were at the time, dismal, to say the least.  So I ventured into the world of online dating which I found to be much like being a contestant on that old game show "Press Your Luck." As I pulled up my matches I was secretly hoping for "no whammies." When I came across C.'s Match.com profile, he was cute but not in a boyish sorta way. He looked like he could handle himself and was confident so I decided to check his credentials. He was divorced (twice, I would learn later) with kids. Double whammy. (Or triple if you count the second divorce.) Damn! Only one whammy away from disqualification.

I will admit that I don't know what came over me because prior to this point in my life those two items would have been immediate deal breakers but I suppose that what had been my qualifications before weren't working out so well so I guess maybe I felt that I needed to try something new--take a chance. There was something about him and he was awfully cute. Maybe it was that he liked baseball which is something I've always enjoyed but never seemed to share with previous beaus. So I send a flirty email saying that as long as he doesn't like the Yankees we are good. WHAMMY NUMBER FOUR! He's a life long Yankee fan. This should have been grounds for disqualification BUT I continued to press my luck, as they say. And it's a good thing I did because come to find out--the guy whom I thought would be my worst possible match ended up being a perfect fit.

He's the love of my life. He's everything and everybody to me. He wears so many hats that he's taken on new pet identities for all of them that he only shares with me. So, for my hubs, here are 10 reasons why I love you. They are not the only reasons I love you but some of my favorites.

10. You not only watch chick flicks with me but you actually enjoy them and have been known to call me on the phone to tell me when your favorite ("How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days") is on so we can watch it together.
9. You sing wildly off key and with the wrong words to any eighties tune you hear on the radio.
8.  You think you are going to get toned out at home and therefor must leave the van door open so you can get to your call on time. :-)
7. You still try to woo me even after six and half years of being together.
6. You cook and clean! (God love you for this one!)
5. You love baseball as much as me. Go Braves! ;-)

4. You are always my rock--so calm when there's an emergency or when I'm scared. 
3. Your family is always priority number one and despite how tough it can be sometimes you do what good men do--fight the good fight regardless of how tired or scarred your heart might be.
2. You are an amazing father--truly the best I have ever known. Our kids are lucky to have you.
1. You have given me everything I could ever want--you and our kids!


I love you more than I could ever express and thank God for you daily. I look forward to a long, happy marriage with you watching our babies grow and our hair grey... ok, well my hair grey. :-)

Now, you can say that I've blogged about you. Are you happy? :-)

Thursday, August 25, 2011

To Work or Not To Work?

Many new moms struggle with the great work debate--stay home or go back to work? It's an easy decision for some and everyone has their own reasons to be for it or against it. Whatever their choice is I envy the people who had no problem making that choice because, even though I don't consider myself a "new" mom anymore since my son is now 16 months old, I'm still as unsure of where I stand on this as I was the day he was born. I mean I know what my husband and I discussed and decided was best for the fam but somehow I always find myself straddling the fence.

Being a stay at home mom is awesome. I love spending the time with my son; watching him grow and change in the subtlest ways every day. I enjoy not missing his firsts. I enjoy the freedom (to some degree) to make my own schedule and spend it with the people of my choice. I love that I can send J. to daycare not because I have to but because I want him to have a change of pace or so I can take a mental health day. I love that being home gives me flexibility to care for my grandmother and see my hubby when he's off. It's all great but part of me yearns for something different and misses earning a paycheck which would be beneficial to my family right now.

Due to the changes to our family this year--Gramma moving in, a kiddo needing childcare and another baby on the way--my husband and I decided that it was best for me to continue to substitute teach instead of seeking full time work. It's a smart choice ... I think. Taking on a full time position as a first year teacher comes with a certain amount of stress and I would be concerned that, due to family obligations, I would not be able to devote the amount of time necessary to get the job done right.  Subbing is easy teaching. I come in a teach. There is no planning, grading, or meetings. (Unless, of course, I take a long term position and then that's all out the window.) It provides a small additional income and offers a flexibility that other full time positions would not which is always welcome when you are married to a fire fighter with a wacky schedule. I can choose when I work which helps to cut down on child care costs and allows me to address my family's needs without having to balance work commitments.  It's a win-win, right? Yep, but then can someone explain to me why is it every time I back in a classroom I question my choice?

Today, I was back in the classroom for the first time this year subbing for a friend and it felt good. I realized I missed it--teaching, the classroom, that part of my personal identity and just working in general. It felt good to interact with the students and other teachers; to engage in more adult conversation. It felt good to be doing something I love and let that side of my personality out for awhile. It felt just as natural as being home with J. There are a few positions out there that I could apply for and even though it's highly competitive I think I'd have a good chance but would I just be asking for trouble my applying? I mean if I get an interview or am a possible candidate then I'd be in a predicament that would put some strain on my family. Yes, I'd be working again which would be good financially but then I have to see less of the family, pay for child care and make other arrangements for my Gramma, who I have committed to take care of. Not to mention that I'd have to take a maternity leave in the middle of the year. Seems like good reasons to not apply but on the other hand not applying to things seems silly too because if I ever want to work full time in education I feel like I can't pass on any opportunity because who knows when it will come around again.

If only it was easier ... 







Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Anyway


My last couple of posts have been heavy with negativity, stress and just plain ol' anger. In the last week, this quote has made its way to me in various forms. I'm taking it as a sign from God that I need to change my approach. I have it on good authority that this lady knows what she's talking about.  

"People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."
— Mother Teresa

Simply put but deeply touching to me right now. It's as if Mother Teresa was speaking right to me, infusing in me the strength to be my best self and nudging me to move in the right direction as I'm standing here debating the directions life could take/has taken. The right direction might not always be easiest but I need to take it anyway.

I'm vowing that I'm going to try my hardest to live by these words. I'm going to recognize what is negative in my life but try to stop focusing on it. I have the power to change how I deal with people and things. I need to start letting go of the negativity. During my premarital counseling, our counselor told us that people are creatures of habit. If someone always turned left why would you expect them to turn right? He told us to expect the left turn then it won't be so upsetting and we could move on from it more easily. I think we've lost sight of that. My husband and I have said, that in the past couple of months, we've hit the "reset" button on our life. We've made big changes that in the long run will be way better for us but in the short term have been tough. We have spent too much time focusing on how hard those changes have been instead of how they are a step in the right direction. It's time to stop being a Negative Nelly. Life is too short and we need to be more appreciative of the goodness that surrounds us.

I'm going to try to start focusing on the positive. To surround myself with positive people and make my own happiness.

 Thanks for the reminder, God.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Keep the drama for yo' mama

Last post I talked about an issue that I have contemplated and agonized over for some time. It really tore me up and left me both physically and mentally exhausted this week. I expressed concern about how the people closest to me will likely be the ones quickest to judge my decision on this issue. Monday my husband and I had one of those tough conversations and sure as the sun rises each morning--the judgments, accusations of selfishness and our unwillingness to help out started rolling in and effectively making me out to be the bad guy for asking for something for myself. Boy, do I know my family well. This will be short and sweet because quite frankly there isn't much to say on this topic because I'm over it. O-V-E-R it. So here it is... are you ready?

Keep the drama for yo' mama.

Yep, you might be someone I care about but I don't care for your judgment, criticism, drama or being forced to do things your way simply because it's the way the easiest for you. I'm genuinely sorry that it bothers you that I would stand up and ask for something for my self and my family. I'm sorry if you feel that makes me selfish and/or oblivious to "doing the right thing." Welcome to the real world where everything isn't black and white but rather varying shades of gray. What is right for me may not be right for you but that doesn't make it wrong or make me a bad person for asking for it. It makes me a human and it a difference of opinion.

But for the record let me say that I'm tired, tired, tired, sick and tired of being judged, of having to stand up and defend my decisions. (Did I mention that I am sick and tired? Because in case I didn't ... I'm sick and bloody tired of it!) I have no problem standing up for my decisions because they are MINE! But it is not my job to take responsibility for the rest of my family's choices. The choices they make are for them to deal with.  I have HUGE issues with people not taking responsibilities for their own actions and putting blame on someone else. I'll accept my fair share of blame when its warranted but if people don't like the consequences for their decisions that they made then, well, deal with it! But please don't project your negativity into my house or direct it at me because you don't want to or can't handle your own business!  I have enough on my plate I don't need to add others stuff to it as well. I'm sorry if that comes across selfish or rude but I know what's best for ME and since I'm the only one who is looking our for MY best interest I'm going to do what I need to do, regardless. I don't want or need nor did I ask for the drama. We were well stocked on issues that are surrounded by drama in this household long before this came about and we have no room for more. So, if you--family, friend or foe--don't like the people in MY house, the way I lead MY life, run MY house, or MY requests or decisions about ANY of those things, by all means, mind YOUR own business and don't let the door hit you on the way out.