To Work or Not To Work?

Many new moms struggle with the great work debate--stay home or go back to work? It's an easy decision for some and everyone has their own reasons to be for it or against it. Whatever their choice is I envy the people who had no problem making that choice because, even though I don't consider myself a "new" mom anymore since my son is now 16 months old, I'm still as unsure of where I stand on this as I was the day he was born. I mean I know what my husband and I discussed and decided was best for the fam but somehow I always find myself straddling the fence.

Being a stay at home mom is awesome. I love spending the time with my son; watching him grow and change in the subtlest ways every day. I enjoy not missing his firsts. I enjoy the freedom (to some degree) to make my own schedule and spend it with the people of my choice. I love that I can send J. to daycare not because I have to but because I want him to have a change of pace or so I can take a mental health day. I love that being home gives me flexibility to care for my grandmother and see my hubby when he's off. It's all great but part of me yearns for something different and misses earning a paycheck which would be beneficial to my family right now.

Due to the changes to our family this year--Gramma moving in, a kiddo needing childcare and another baby on the way--my husband and I decided that it was best for me to continue to substitute teach instead of seeking full time work. It's a smart choice ... I think. Taking on a full time position as a first year teacher comes with a certain amount of stress and I would be concerned that, due to family obligations, I would not be able to devote the amount of time necessary to get the job done right.  Subbing is easy teaching. I come in a teach. There is no planning, grading, or meetings. (Unless, of course, I take a long term position and then that's all out the window.) It provides a small additional income and offers a flexibility that other full time positions would not which is always welcome when you are married to a fire fighter with a wacky schedule. I can choose when I work which helps to cut down on child care costs and allows me to address my family's needs without having to balance work commitments.  It's a win-win, right? Yep, but then can someone explain to me why is it every time I back in a classroom I question my choice?

Today, I was back in the classroom for the first time this year subbing for a friend and it felt good. I realized I missed it--teaching, the classroom, that part of my personal identity and just working in general. It felt good to interact with the students and other teachers; to engage in more adult conversation. It felt good to be doing something I love and let that side of my personality out for awhile. It felt just as natural as being home with J. There are a few positions out there that I could apply for and even though it's highly competitive I think I'd have a good chance but would I just be asking for trouble my applying? I mean if I get an interview or am a possible candidate then I'd be in a predicament that would put some strain on my family. Yes, I'd be working again which would be good financially but then I have to see less of the family, pay for child care and make other arrangements for my Gramma, who I have committed to take care of. Not to mention that I'd have to take a maternity leave in the middle of the year. Seems like good reasons to not apply but on the other hand not applying to things seems silly too because if I ever want to work full time in education I feel like I can't pass on any opportunity because who knows when it will come around again.

If only it was easier ... 

Anyway

My last couple of posts have been heavy with negativity, stress and just plain ol' anger. In the last week, this quote has made its way to me in various forms. I'm taking it as a sign from God that I need to change my approach. I have it on good authority that this lady knows what she's talking about.  

"People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."
— Mother Teresa

Simply put but deeply touching to me right now. It's as if Mother Teresa was speaking right to me, infusing in me the strength to be my best self and nudging me to move in the right direction as I'm standing here debating the directions life could take/has taken. The right direction might not always be easiest but I need to take it anyway.

I'm vowing that I'm going to try my hardest to live by these words. I'm going to recognize what is negative in my life but try to stop focusing on it. I have the power to change how I deal with people and things. I need to start letting go of the negativity. During my premarital counseling, our counselor told us that people are creatures of habit. If someone always turned left why would you expect them to turn right? He told us to expect the left turn then it won't be so upsetting and we could move on from it more easily. I think we've lost sight of that. My husband and I have said, that in the past couple of months, we've hit the "reset" button on our life. We've made big changes that in the long run will be way better for us but in the short term have been tough. We have spent too much time focusing on how hard those changes have been instead of how they are a step in the right direction. It's time to stop being a Negative Nelly. Life is too short and we need to be more appreciative of the goodness that surrounds us.

I'm going to try to start focusing on the positive. To surround myself with positive people and make my own happiness.

 Thanks for the reminder, God.

Keep the drama for yo' mama

Last post I talked about an issue that I have contemplated and agonized over for some time. It really tore me up and left me both physically and mentally exhausted this week. I expressed concern about how the people closest to me will likely be the ones quickest to judge my decision on this issue. Monday my husband and I had one of those tough conversations and sure as the sun rises each morning--the judgments, accusations of selfishness and our unwillingness to help out started rolling in and effectively making me out to be the bad guy for asking for something for myself. Boy, do I know my family well. This will be short and sweet because quite frankly there isn't much to say on this topic because I'm over it. O-V-E-R it. So here it is... are you ready?

Keep the drama for yo' mama.

Yep, you might be someone I care about but I don't care for your judgment, criticism, drama or being forced to do things your way simply because it's the way the easiest for you. I'm genuinely sorry that it bothers you that I would stand up and ask for something for my self and my family. I'm sorry if you feel that makes me selfish and/or oblivious to "doing the right thing." Welcome to the real world where everything isn't black and white but rather varying shades of gray. What is right for me may not be right for you but that doesn't make it wrong or make me a bad person for asking for it. It makes me a human and it a difference of opinion.

But for the record let me say that I'm tired, tired, tired, sick and tired of being judged, of having to stand up and defend my decisions. (Did I mention that I am sick and tired? Because in case I didn't ... I'm sick and bloody tired of it!) I have no problem standing up for my decisions because they are MINE! But it is not my job to take responsibility for the rest of my family's choices. The choices they make are for them to deal with.  I have HUGE issues with people not taking responsibilities for their own actions and putting blame on someone else. I'll accept my fair share of blame when its warranted but if people don't like the consequences for their decisions that they made then, well, deal with it! But please don't project your negativity into my house or direct it at me because you don't want to or can't handle your own business!  I have enough on my plate I don't need to add others stuff to it as well. I'm sorry if that comes across selfish or rude but I know what's best for ME and since I'm the only one who is looking our for MY best interest I'm going to do what I need to do, regardless. I don't want or need nor did I ask for the drama. We were well stocked on issues that are surrounded by drama in this household long before this came about and we have no room for more. So, if you--family, friend or foe--don't like the people in MY house, the way I lead MY life, run MY house, or MY requests or decisions about ANY of those things, by all means, mind YOUR own business and don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Time to Put My Big Girl Pants On

I've started this blog at least 4 times and each time it seems unfocused and disorganized ... kinda like me. I think this is because I have a lot weighing on my mind and as I put pen to paper, per se, it is far more complicated than I first thought when I sat down. What is this overly complicated topic you wonder? It's family. Has there ever been a more complicated word?

In the past few years and even months, I've discovered a few things about family. My first realization was that my mother was right. Yep, put it in the record book. She was right. She always said growing up that "you can pick your nose but you can't pick your family." (Even though on numerous occasions I would have liked to do just that.) So in an effort to pick one strand of this very complicated weaving called family,  I think I'll start with this realization. Hopefully, it won't unravel into a mess of other strands.

When I travel down memory lane, my childhood memories are not all roses and rainbows. I wish they were but truth be told, there is a significant amount of them that, to this day, frustrate, confuse and anger me. Don't get me wrong--it wasn't all doom and gloom but enough of it was negative to taint how I feel about my childhood and to have carried over in the form of personal issues that I still deal with today. A lot of what troubles me about my childhood was, as I'm sure any good therapist would tell me, out of my control (as it is for most kids) and not my fault. I see that now, however, that doesn't make it any easier to deal with when you're young and without any choice. It's a crappy feeling knowing that you are in for a rough one and your hands are tied. It sucks knowing there's nothing you can do about it, because, as a youngster you have no control (or very little) over the outcome yet it ultimately affects you in ways you could never have imagined. You didn't get to "pick" your family or their choices. You are just along for the ride and have to deal with what is sent your way. It was something that I always felt was unfair growing up, not that I think there was much alternative, but nonetheless it just didn't feel right.

There are times, as an adult, that I feel the same way although I have more control (or at least I'd like to think I do) then I did as a youngster. It took me a long time to come to terms with some of my family dynamics mainly because, as a child, I didn't have the ability to see the "whole" story or fully understand the reasons behind events. Not that I can say I've cleared that hurdle completely yet but I'm working on it. This coming to terms wasn't without many tears and a boatload of heartache. It was difficult. It still IS difficult. I came to a lot of really tough realizations that even now or hard for me to share because they feel wrong even though I know in my heart they are right. For instance, I love my family but I do not have to like them. It's OK to care for someone deeply but not like their actions or how they make me feel. It's OK to acknowledge that even familial relationships are not always good for you. It's OK to speak up and say "I don't need this in my life." It's OK to say no to family. Seems simple enough but that was probably the toughest lesson for me to learn. I have always struggled with the "obligation" of loving someone (or guilt for not wanting their negativity) because they are family and the constant losing battle of maintaining relationships based on that. I'm sure you've heard "oh, but she's my mother" or "he's my dad, what can I do?" This would have been a classic response from me years ago. I know that I can't change my family but I now know that I can choose to limit or not to be a part of a relationship or situation that doesn't leave me feeling good or have my best interest at heart. I've learned to recognize when a situation, a relationship, a friendship, a whatever, is no longer good for me and that it's time to say enough is enough. It is a powerful realization that comes with consequences as well. I'm sure many of my family reading this won't like that hearing that but it's my truth and I'm going to try to own it.

I'm struggling with this today. It's not with a person or a memory, per se, but with a situation. A situation that is leaving me feeling like I did as a kid--with little to no choice or control.  There is no truth to that because as adult everyone has choice and control but that is how I am feeling. I guess I'm back to struggling with the "obligation of doing what's right because it's family that I love" instead of what I think will probably be best for me, my immediate family and my sanity in the long run. I'm back to feeling stressed, crappy and agitated which is genuinely annoying because I CHOSE this situation and this is a consequence that is impacting my well being and that of the ones I love. I feel guilty because doing what's best for me seems like taking the easy way out and will put burden on others in my family which is leaving me feeling very conflicted. This situation is tougher than I imagined and I know that some tough conversations need to be had but I'm finding it difficult to have them for a couple of reasons. For one, I'm in a role I never expected to be in and I'm not 100% comfortable being in. It's put me at the center of family concern and drama which is a spot I have avoided like the plague. In addition, I find myself in a bit of a role reversal so I'm not sure how to have this conversation with people who have always played parental type figures in my life and, as I mentioned before, speaking up comes with consequences and it's those consequences I'm struggling with. It may be shocking to some of my family and friends that I'm worrying about those consequences because, in my younger years, I've been known to be the outspoken one who didn't really care about what the consequences were but after seeing the consequences to that approach I've worked hard over the years to install and regularly use my filter. I choose my words more carefully and, while I'm still not one to sugar coat the truth, I am not as shoot-from-the-hip as I once was thought to be or, at least, my aim has improved and I keep my gun holstered until its use is warranted. :-) And I care, more importantly, about what people think.

The people that will be affected by my words are people that I care for deeply and do not want to hurt. People I do not want to disappoint, anger or fail. People who have always been there for me and that I want to be there for in their time of need. People whose opinions matter but who, unfortunately, I feel  will be the first to judge me. The problem, I fear, is that no matter what I say, how it is said or how reasonable the request for boundaries and/or change might be to anyone not directly involved it will not be taken that way because these people are family and family play by different rules. Rules that are not always fair and will leave someone feeling bad when it should be just the opposite.

I don't know how to solve this one without there being some casualty and I fear the consequences so right now this remains unresolved and will stay that way until I am able to put my big girl pants on a speak up and deal with the consequences.

Banning Kids?

A friend of mine posted an interesting article on Facebook not long ago about how mainstream society and big business is thinking about, and in some cases, already banning children from certain locations. No kids in first class. No kids under 6 at nicer restaurants. No kids at the movies. No kids at the grocery store ... seriously? It got me thinking. I'd like to ban some people, too.

I'd like to ban the rude people who don't bother to look behind them when backing out therefor almost hitting me and/or taking up the whole lane in the parking lot and then looking at me like I'm the crazy one for being on their side of the lane. I'd like to ban the people at the grocery store who just park their cart in the middle of the aisle like they own the place and then seem peeved when I have to squeeze past them. I'd like to ban all the people who talk or text during the movie that I occasionally get to see and would like to watch in peace and quiet. I'd like to ban the people who see a pregnant woman with a child in a stroller and an elderly grandmother with a walker and don't bother to hold the door open. I'd like to ban the people who stare at me if my child so much as makes peep when we are at a restaurant. I don't care where you send them just don't let me see them again.

Kids, especially little ones, don't always know that what they are doing is inappropriate or bothersome--they are still learning. Most of the time I think they aren't doing it on purpose and even if they do, most responsible parents will remove them from the situation until they can be controlled. The jerks above do know what they are doing and do it anyway. I'm subjected to their behavior regardless of whether or not I want to be so why not ban them.  If you are going to ban a hardworking parent with a limited schedule who might be trying to enjoy a night out or feed her family because her kid is less than a perfect angel all the time then why not ban the rude, inconsiderate jack asses out there? Banning children is discrimination in my book. Not just against the kid but the parent as well. I'm not saying that I don't agree that children shouldn't be in certain situations but blanket bans like these seem unfair.

Wanted: Personal Assistant for Pregnant Woman with Too Much on Her Plate

At the start of the summer life felt like it was hurtling out of control. Both C. and I were wondering how things seemed to go so haywire and then we remembered. In the spring, we sold our house in less than a 2 months, packed our house, moved, unpacked, found out we were pregnant, went to Hawaii with our kids, helped Gramma move in with us, celebrated birthdays/holidays and before we knew it it was June and things were falling through the cracks out of sheer lack of time. We were both grateful that the school year was over so that we could spend some time getting things back in order and figuring out our next steps. We spent July hanging out with our kids and finally getting rooms decorated, the mountain of boxes unpacked, fixing some things that were nagging at us. It was nice. We settled in and things have really started to feel like "normal," at least relative to our life anyway. Then this week happened.

I woke up early this week and it dawned on me. While I was busy focusing on all the other things that had been ignored all spring, I ignored another very important life changing fact. I'm going to be a mother again in just 3 short months and I've done NOTHING to prepare. For those of you who know me, you know that this is not the norm. I like to prepare for everything I can way ahead of schedule and know the plan. I'm this way to the point that it can be nauseating. I've been told that I can be too efficient in handling my family's business and that I over plan--that I'm too business and not enough fun. I won't argue with that because I can be but it's always with the best of intentions and with the goal of making life easier down the line. So naturally, I flipped out when this little nugget of info was discovered on my plate and instantly morphed into my alter ego. I started plotting, planning, measuring, researching, pricing and, in the process, driving my husband nuts.

What can I say? My son is due the Monday after Thanksgiving and while I will be eternally grateful for the blessing I need to make sure I've got my Ps and Qs in order or the fall/early winter will be more hectic than the spring. I mean we've got school starting at the end of the month which means we resume our roles as taxi cab driver, extra-curricular activity coordinator and homework adviser. Oh and part time work for me (which is another blog by itself). We've got our anniversary, a baby shower and Halloween in October, 3 birthdays (prior to T.'s birth) in November, Thanksgiving dinner (which we will be hosting for my ever growing family), Spark of Love activities for C. and Christmas preparations which is a full time job in and of itself. And I need to prepare both my home and my mind to bring another life into the world. I know that I'm going to have to rein in my expectations for this holiday season so a lot of things I'd normally do, or I like to do, are likely not to get done since I'm going to need to work on the more important items. Bottom line... I simply do not have time to be lazy this fall.

So my mad dash has commenced. I've started registering for some things--partly because if I don't I won't remember what I need and partly because of the baby shower. I've researched strollers and our nursery furniture. I've started sorting through all J.'s clothes to pull out goods for T. I've squared away the major details of the baby shower with my sister. I just need to order a few things online. I've picked out a birth announcement/Christmas card so those won't (hopefully) fall by the wayside. I've started discussing the Christmas decorating/shopping (Lord, help me!) with the hubs and have some tentative plans on what's going to happen there. Yet, despite all these preparations I still feel like dazed and confused. AND for whatever crazy reason I got the "creative" bug today while I was browsing Etsy and have added some projects that I'm sure I will drop like a hot potato next week because I'll realize that I'm trying to take on the world again. Ugh.

I know my awesome, do-it-all sidekick/husband will help and somehow it will get done. It will be a challenge for sure but we'll manage. Just don't freak out if you find a hugely pregnant women rocking back and forth on the laundry room floor mumbling something incoherent and frantically cross off and adding things to her notepad. It's only me. :-)